When do you tell the child?

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When do you tell the child?

Postby lacroix » Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:05 pm

Hello - For those of you out there who have kids from donor sperm, when do you tell the child?

Mine is 4 and I've been saying things like "all families are different," but am not sure when to tell her.

Also, people do ask about her father sometimes, which is a bit awkward.
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Re: When do you tell the child?

Postby pequele » Mon Nov 21, 2011 10:11 pm

For people we don't know, the answer about his father is "he's not in the picture, never has been". Some of my close friends have known from day one, others have learned about everything once I've built a trust with them, then some of the friends with big mouths well they just think men SUCK and I'm better off haha.

He's only asked a couple of times (not really asked I guess just mentions "daddy") and right now I just say "you don't have a daddy, just a mommy, a nana and a papa!" He hasn't been inquisitive really and I don't think I will be telling him about the concept of his donor until he's a bit older and understanding just how babies are made, etc. I'm sure more conversations will be coming as just the other day I was informed he was playing with some of his friends (girls) at school and he was the daddy. I guess it is just because I don't think a 3 yo needs a sit down talk about "sex" to start explaining his donor quite yet, ya know? I've always wondered myself how/when the conversation will come up and have basically thought that how I answer it will depend mostly on when/what age.

I have some SMC friends who have always told their kids they don't have a dad they have a donor and the kid tells people they have a donor not a dad. I can just see the confusion on people's faces when this comes out of the kid's mouth and adults being adults will likely ask more questions, and really I just don't think a 2 or 3 yo can comprehend those questions let alone iterate a possible response at that age. Right now I don't think my son could explain what having a donor means to him, he just cares which book we are reading before bed! Right now he just has show no interest in why he doesn't have a father like some of his friends, I'm sure it will change someday! I think it is more important to prepare yourself as to how much you plan on telling your child, maybe it isn't all of it the first time she asks. Will you wait til she brings it up or if by the time she is 7 and she hasn't said anything will you sit down with her?
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Re: When do you tell the child?

Postby LaBeth72 » Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:10 pm

For us, it's always been part of his birth story. I wrote a book just for him that I put pictures of me pregnant and him as a baby explaining how much I wanted a baby and how a nice man sent me the other half of the ingredients to make him and it's the best thing that I've ever done. We read it a lot when he was a toddler. He asks for me to read it about once a month now (he is 4 1/2). Sometimes he has questions which I answer honestly.

People don't really ask, but I am honest with anyone who does. I haven't had any negative reactions. Of course I also live in the Northeast so I guess I might get a different reaction in more conservative areas.
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Re: When do you tell the child?

Postby BloomersMom » Wed Apr 11, 2012 9:19 pm

I'm still pregnant, but plan for my son always know the story about where he came from. I have been fairly open with adults about using a sperm donor, figuring that I would hopefully answer a bunch of questions so that he won't have to later on. Like the idea of creating a book, using kid friendly terms, and I have been playing around with how I will write and illustrate it. I don't want my son to ever think that his conception was a secret and shameful thing, so I plan to give him a brief story and add details (information, and terms) to the story as he gets older.
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